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Can you really be in love with 2 people at the same time?

Discussion in 'The Safe Harbor' started by Cricket, Aug 7, 2008.

  1. Cricket

    Cricket Guest

    Well, my daughter Danielle is, and we are all in an uproar due to the fact that she is engaged to one of them. Please pray for her and us, yes us, as we don't know how to handle this! We were at first furious at her, knowing it was't right, then we felt horrible for her as we see her physically and mentally hurting. We can only tell her it is up to her, but we as future inlaws love Brian, whom she is engaged to. We have all things set up for the wedding, all plans in place. We told her we would go with her decision, but if it were the other young man, we stand to lose thousands of $'s. Although that to us is very upsetting we told her that is not a reason to marry someone, that SHE has to put that all aside and come to her own decision. Any suggestions to help us all out would be absolutely so appreciated. Prayers of course are needed so much.
  2. ShipMaven

    ShipMaven Guest

    Since you are asking for advice/opinions, I think Danielle's engagement to Brian needs to be called off for now. Marriage, ideally, is supposed to be a lifelong commitment to each other and ONLY to each other - through thick and thin. If Danielle already is wavering in total commitment to one man, I think a marriage - at this point - is destined for failure. My suggestion is for her to seek professional marriage counselling to help sort out her feelings before she makes what could be a terrible mistake.

    She, and all involved, are in my prayers.
  3. Mbandy

    Mbandy Guest

    As someone who has been on the receiving end of two divorces, I think Mary Ann makes a very, very good point.

    Your family will be in my prayers as well. :angel
  4. JacquieP

    JacquieP Guest

    Cricket, Mary Ann said it all. It's much easier on all concerned to put the wedding on hold, or even cancel it until she is sure about her decision. I wish I had had the sense to cancel a wedding when I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right. The hell of a cancelled wedding or broken engagement is nothing compared to a marriage that should have never happened.
  5. frito

    frito Guest

    Your daughter is obviously confused and uncertain as to what she should do--therefore she isn't ready to be married to anyone at this time.
    The money it may cost for a broken engagement will be a small price to pay as compared to a marriage that starts out on doubts to begin with.
    Ease the pressure off her and tell her to hold off for a while and let her look inside her own heart and she will come up with the right answer--
    Good luck but take any pressure off her that she may be feeling and let her know it's perfectly ok to hold off for awhile. No one should marry anyone because they feel guilty, sorry for, or obligated to for reasons other than pure love for the other person.
  6. Lisa63

    Lisa63 Guest

    Cricket, I am so sorry to hear what you are all experiencing. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

    I agree with ShipMaven's excellent points. Marriage is about more than a wedding. Neil and I have shared a lot in the 18 years we have been married. Life throws a lot at you, and trust, love, and friendship are truly the foundation that enable a couple to face these challenges together. It sounds as if, in your daughter's case, that there is already a crack in this foundation. This certainly needs to be addressed if a marriage is going to have any chance of succeeding.

    As you are asking for suggestions, I hope you don't mind if I add one. You mentioned that you love her fiance, and that you will incur a monetary loss if she cancels the wedding. While you are certainly entitled to these thoughts -- and I know the $ one is of substantial consequence -- I wouldn't share this with her any further. She needs to make up her mind independently, and not be influenced by her family. I know you all love her and want what's best for her and want to help, but sometimes the best way we as parents can help is to let our kids work things out on their own. What she needs is to be reminded of is that you will love her and stand by her no matter what she decides. I know that you know that, but her mind is swirling with so many thoughts that she may need this reminder. JMHO.

    Hugs to you all.
  7. Beryl

    Beryl Guest

    Oh my....how difficult for all of you.

    My first thought is that Danielle needs to learn that love is not a feeling....it is a way of living!! If she has put herself into a place where she has "fallen in love" with someone esle she is not living her life as if she loves her fiance. In a true loving relationship this should not happen.

    I think that she will save herself (and everyone else) a lot of grief if she postpones this wedding....and I would strongly recommend a loooooooooong postponement. Danielle needs to know her own heart and mind before she proceeds and this will not happen overnight. She needs to know that the man she plans to marry is not someone she can live with but rather someone she can't live without. If she doesn't feel that way then she shouldn't get married!!! Financial loss, the wedding celebration, disappointed friends and family.....these should not matter at all in the making of this decision. Tell her to take her time and be very, very sure before she proceeds or the heartache could be more than anyone would want to bear.......particularly for the young man she is planning on marrying under questionable circumstances (does he know she's fallen for someone else???) I'll pray that she has the fortitude to make the right decision.

    Sorry to sound so "tough" but I have seen so much heartache because people got married for all the "wrong" reasons! I will keep her in my prayers.
  8. Cricket

    Cricket Guest

    You all have given such great advice and wisdom to our problem and I thank all of you. I do want you to know that you are right...our own personal feelings, the lost money and fears of other's thought should NOT be a determining factor for my daughter and we have stressed that point strongly. I mentioned it because although it is not a factor in her choice, we privately talked among myself and hubby of the money lost and I can assure you that is a normal thought, which I think everyone here would agree. I also agree with you that she should take her time in this decision.
  9. JacquieP

    JacquieP Guest

    Please keep us posted. I'm praying that she is able to make the right decision. I can only imagine how difficult this is for all concerned, and yes, of course, money issues would certainly be a topic of discussion.
  10. Radiance

    Radiance Guest

    Cricket, I dont have any advice but wanted to share my story. Different situation and circumstances but I wanted to share. I'll give you the Readers Digest version though :lol

    Back in Feb1979 I emigrated from Scotland to Vancouver, BC at the age of 18. I was madly in love with my boyfriend of 2 years but my parents said "we are emigrating to Canada" and before I knew it I was here. For the first month my boyfriend and I wrote to each other every day (this was wayyy before email) and spoke on the phone once a week because that was as often as my parents would allow me to call him (he called once mid week). By April he had booked to come visit me in May. The day after he arrived he asked me marry him and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. My parents (and his) told us we were far too young (he was 20) but went along with our plans and announced our engagement (a very long distance one). A wedding date was set for April 1981 here in Vancouver. The wedding plans started coming together, all the usual, invitations, church, reception, napkins and match books with our names on them (lol whoever thought of matchbooks for weddings) dresses purchased, flights booked for family and friends coming from Scotland the whole nine yards.

    I suppose you can guess what is coming. Exactly 1 month before the wedding date (2 weeks before the groom was to have emigrated here) HE called it off. Call it what you like, cold feet, scared not ready. HE called it all off. I was devastated. My mum was ready to hang him by the........well you get the picture. What a mess.

    It took me about a month before I could speak to him on the phone and ask why. All he said was he did not feel ready and he would rather tell me now than go through with it with any doubts in his mind. As hurt as I was I remember saying thankyou to him. He said thankyou for what. I said for being honest with me. As much as it hurt and as angry as everyone was he did the right thing. It took me a long long time but I eventually even thought he was very brave for admitting he was not ready.

    So thats my story.Luckily this story has a happy ending, I started dating again (even although I swore I would never love anyone as much as I thought I loved him). Met my husband and we celebrated our 25th anniversary in June this year.

    All you can do Cricket is be there for your daughter when she needs you.

    Take care

  11. herb

    herb Guest

    Cricket, how soon was your daughters upcoming reception. Generally you don't lose that much if you cancel your reception in enough time, usually the deposit and some part of the cost (again, depending on how close to the reception date you cancel). Some catering halls will even refund you the total amount if they can rebook the room you cancelled (at least that's how it works where I work).
  12. Cruise cutie

    Cruise cutie Guest

    It's all true, and even though Danielle comes across as being thoughtful in coming forth she is WAYYYYYY TOO young; and has so much further to go in emotional growth before twining her life with one single person forever.. as Beryl said not the living with someone, but having to face a relationship that would destroy you going WITHOUT one person Forever.. so it's not a Love 2.. there's only ONE "only forever and ever ideal "....
    .. for these lifelong hurdles.. as all the others have stated she needs a good LONG time to reconcile her feelings and spare heartache from precipitous marriage..marriage is a lot of hard work, caring, and sharing, and she needs a bedrock foundation before she even begins a journey that is fraught with hard times, and hurdles such as we all get ..best thoughts and prayers she has the fortitude, maturity ,and the guts to just pound it out..no fun indeed, but it beats the heck out of wasted lives, money ,and heartache on both ends for not doing the harder thing, and calling it all off.....=hugs Joanne
  13. Cricket

    Cricket Guest

    jacquieP- will do!
    radiance---I have heard more stories like that since this has all happened than I ever did before! Great ending though!

    herb...It is almost a year away...the contract for the Embassy Suites reception says no refunds for the down payment, which is thousands of $'s but maybe since it is so far they might have a heart, but as of now, we can't cancel until SHE makes up her mind. The DJ is expensive, the gown, the photograper, all have contracts with loss of money if cancelled. Seriously, the shock is over, the money is now behind us and our daughter's well-being is front and center! She is now just staying with her fiance, has talked somewhat to him to resolve any problems, but she did not tell him about the other guy...basically that there are differences between them that are bothering her, including the fact that he isn't a christian and she is, and she says she wants to see if he and she can help each other resolve the problems. I really believe she loves him so much, yet it had to have been a big void for her to go to another guy. What's really weird is my oldest daughter was going with a boy named Brian when she went to college, just like my youngest daughter's fiance is named Brian. My oldest daughter broke off with her Brian and found another guy she married from college!
    Deja Vu at it's finest!

    My hubby and I are feeling very guilty secretly. We are hoping she stays with Brian... we love him and his family...they are absolutely wonderful people and we all get along so well and our hearts are aching for Brian...we have a hard time coping with this...he is like our son..truely! Their extended family is so loving and gracious. No need to tell us our thoughts doesn't matter but, that of our daughter's...we know that...but put yourself in our shoes...we can't just turn off...It takes time for everyone! I myself wake up in the middle of the night and seriously cannot go back to sleep, I think about how much our sweet Brian is going to be hurt and i literally want to throw up...I have to control my emotions in front of Danielle, so as not to sway her either way, but quietly, I can't help myself.

    We know it is best that danielle chooses without any butting in on our part, but it isn't easy to handle. She doesn't know how much we are hurting and we don't want her to know, because God, SHE is the one that is hurting the most right now.
  14. Cruise cutie

    Cruise cutie Guest

    =hugs to you Cricket, as I am in your shoes minus a wedding plan.DD Twin Jessica just put a SIX YEAR relationship on hold because her BF has"cold feet" about a final commitment, not with anyone else; not as if he does not love her more than "everything in the World BUT".. ..he's scared about his "readiness".. ....and Jessica is 26!! 27 NEXT MONTH and he's 30 next month!! .. and we love him,for years he's our "other son Steve"..but as I candidly said to DD Jessica, he's yours, I don't have him, I don't have to sleep with him, and let's face it...forever is a LONG, LONG time, and if you're going to "settle" for Lord's sake DON'T DO IT!! end it all and step back..:(..she said nope it's never going to to go back to the not fully ready for marriage but "with him" state ever again..so either they resolve his feelings of inadequacy, and not ready, or they are done..

    Believe you me..I know exactly how you feel.. but Mark and I are now expert fence sitters.. and we are FIRMLY perched in saying nothing either way, being supportive, and "there for her".. and praying it all works out..but hopefully it's the time to work it through Danielle "gets".. and there is nothing more than a quiet hanging feeling of Doom that finally destroys it all..:(.. inasmuch as she has not told Brian, he must know "something" is up.. I really really pray for you all..it's not fun at all....Joanne..
  15. Cricket

    Cricket Guest

    Joanne...I can hear you and it does sound so familiar. It just plain hurts!
  16. reggae

    reggae Guest

    Cricket, my daughter was just telling me today about two of her girlfriend's (recently married) that are both getting divorces now. It's very sad, and today's world is different from when we were married. It seems we somehow worked things out, especially through those rough times.

    It's good that your daughter is open to talking about this with you. She needs time to think about this very important step. And it sounds like you are doing the right thing in being there for her.

    My daughter is 30 years old and has had some nice boyfriends. I have become very attached to some of them, and it broke my heart when she would break up with them. So I do know how you must feel being attached to her fiance. It hurts, and you feel so bad for them. It just doesn't get any easier either.

    Hope she makes her decision, and everyone can come to terms with it. God bless..
  17. gottacruz

    gottacruz Guest

    sounds like she better wait for awhile, she doesnt want to end up making mistakes.
  18. ShipMaven

    ShipMaven Guest

    Cricket - just another observation here. You said Danielle has had a talk with Brian, BUT...THE key element was left out, that she's in love with another fellow. I still sadly feel - for everybody involved - that ANY possibility of a future together is doomed IF that isn't brought to light and resolved.
  19. maw

    maw Guest

    My prayers afre with you Crickett--It is so hard to loose the in law you love--been thru it twice with one son. I will always miss her.
  20. H2O babe

    H2O babe Guest

    I offer no advice as I have not walked the mile in your shoes. However, I do offer you a sympathetic ear and cyber hugs and good thoughts. Please keep us posted. We care.


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