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Good Morning, Ladies...

Discussion in 'Know Before You Go' started by JeffStern, Jul 14, 2002.

  1. Boston's J

    Boston's J Guest

    See another one funny how these things happen huh? See you next week Jim. I'll have it all packaged.

    :lol :lol :lol
     
  2. red stripe

    red stripe Guest

    Darn Jim... as I was looking for a UPS joke :grin

    "If you love something, set it free.. If it comes back, it will always be yours.. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.. "
     
  3. 2TallMike

    2TallMike Guest

    A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
    "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."

    Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator.

    She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

    She was cold, so I gave her a sweater I had bought you for your birthday, but that you never wore because the color did not suit you.

    Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
     
  4. red stripe

    red stripe Guest

    Gentlemen...and I use that term loosely... perhaps you should remember this...

    The Switch

    A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

    "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

    With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

    He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."

    She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"
     
  5. Boston's J

    Boston's J Guest

    Ten for that one Red. Yeeeeehhhhhhaaaaa

    Judy
     
  6. 2TallMike

    2TallMike Guest

    A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She is thrilled at the car's speed. "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?," he smirks.
    "Yes!" says his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200 mph, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flips over. The naked girl is thrown clear, but he remains jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cries.

    "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

    "Take my shoe," he says, "and cover yourself."

    Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl runs down the road and finds a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

    Billy-Bob -- the mechanic -- looks at the shoe and says, "There's nothing I can do for you... he's in too far!"
     
  7. UPS Jim

    UPS Jim Guest

    A few for the road,,

    Some mornings I wake up grouchy,,.. and on others I just let her sleep !!

    What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced !!

    I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always !!

    Why is a laundry-mat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a women who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you !!


    I couldn't resist.
     
  8. Boston's J

    Boston's J Guest

    Make the check out to you know who UPS Jim. $125.00 plus tax. :lol :lol :lol

    Judy
     
  9. red stripe

    red stripe Guest

    Glad to see you back Jim... they need all the help they can get...weak though it may be :grin



    "There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

    They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

    No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

    All of the men started clapping. "
     
  10. 2TallMike

    2TallMike Guest

    A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
    "Ten years!", he says.

    She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

    Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

    He replies, "Ten years!"

    She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

    He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she asks him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

    And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
     
  11. UPS Jim

    UPS Jim Guest

    $112.00 OUCH,, that's 2 rounds of golf !!
     
  12. red stripe

    red stripe Guest

    2tall...this could be you :grin

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
    "I got a cookbook once," said one,"but I could never do anything with it."
    "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
    "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
    'Take a clean dish...'"
     
  13. UPS Jim

    UPS Jim Guest

    How are singing lessons like a conversation with a woman ??
    20 minutes of, ME ME ME ME ME ME
     
  14. red stripe

    red stripe Guest

    And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

    She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

    And so it was done, and it was good.

    Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

    And God created man.
     
  15. Boston's J

    Boston's J Guest

    ROFLMBO Jim. I said $125. not $112. The moral of this story is:

    If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her,
    he will get it wrong anyway.
     
  16. UPS Jim

    UPS Jim Guest

  17. 2TallMike

    2TallMike Guest

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
    After crawling out of their cars, the man says:

    "So you’re a woman, that’s interesting. I’m a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, be friends and live together for the rest of our days."

    Flattered, the woman replied "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

    "This must be a sign from God!" The man continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then he hands the bottle to the woman. The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the man.

    The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman.

    The woman asks, "Aren’t you having any?"

    The man replies, "No. I think I’ll just wait for the police..."
     
  18. Ali

    Ali Guest

  19. 2TallMike

    2TallMike Guest

    MEMORANDUM
    RE: Computer Software Warning
    Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

    No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

    At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.

    - A "Don't remind me again" button.
    - Minimize button.
    - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
    - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

    I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

    Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

    To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

    Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

    ***** BUG WARNING ********
    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

    *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

    Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
     
  20. Boston's J

    Boston's J Guest

    Upgrading To Husband 1.0


    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    Desperate



    Dear Desperate,

    Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

    Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

    Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

    DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

    Tech Support
     

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